I am writing to tell you what happened to Roland. Thank you for giving me time to come forward and tell you when I was ready, and for not asking me very painful questions.

Roland was killed by teenage boys drag racing on our street. It was around 1:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Roland was on our driveway, well off the road, attempting to record them with his cell phone as they made a second pass down our street at speeds over 100 miles an hour, driving on both sides of the road. This was at least the fourth time these boys had come to our rural three mile road to race, and the police had not taken any steps that we knew of to stop them. Since many people walk their dogs, jog, bike, get their mail, and walk down our road, it was only a matter of time until these boys killed someone. I said exactly that to Roland weeks before. An email discussion on our neighborhood email list regularly discussed what to do about them. Recording them was suggested as a way to give the police means to stop them.

I was eating lunch in our home when it happened; I was not able to coordinate my day to match with Roland’s lunch time, as I usually did. We ate all our meals together most days, as we both worked from home. I heard and then turned to see the accident, and ran outside thinking the driver of the car would be badly hurt and need help.

I am not ready to go into the details of the next part. I relive many times a day the scenes of that day, and the realization that the body is not a driver or passenger, but Roland, the love of my life, and that he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. He was killed instantly, and I knew he was dead before I even knew it was Roland who died. The two drivers and their two passengers all walked out with no injuries at all.

I am writing this because yesterday the second driver pleaded guilty to manslaughter two. Both drivers have pleaded guilty, and there will be no trial. They will be sentenced to 6 1/2 years in prison, and will serve every day as the law requires. They will live out the rest of their lives as convicted felons.

There is no relief in this. There is no justice. There is only sadness and pain, and continual loss, every day, hundreds of times a day. What happens to them now changes nothing for me. They killed the one person in the world I was the most afraid to lose, and having them no longer racing down my road or anyone else’s is very little consolation.

I am surviving because I have no choice. I am not strong, as many suggest, I am forced to live this version of hell. I am trying to find joy in small things, and not lose myself completely in grief. Roland would not have wanted me to disappear from this earth on the same day he did. But I will never be the same, and I will remember the five years we spent together as a dream, a too short break in the hardness of the world, and be grateful I got to spend time with someone who loved me so much, and who was an exceptional human being.

If anything could come from this tragedy, if anything could be learned, it would be this. One, if you have a teenage boy, or know one, or have influence over one, please tell them this story. Tell them that the few seconds of rush from driving fast is not worth the devastation of the death they could cause, and their years in prison followed by living the life of a convicted felon. Tell them that their actions have consequences, and accidents don’t just happen to “other” people. Don’t buy them fast cars, and if they exhibit dangerous driving behavior, take their keys away immediately, or report them to the police. Don’t just shake your head and say “boys will be boys” or “you don’t understand, you aren’t a parent”. They can kill someone. They can destroy lives; the victims, their families, themselves, and their families.

And the other lesson is to all of those like Roland and I who felt like their love was enough, and marriage and other legal commitments weren’t important, please know that they are. The law does not protect the loved one you leave behind, no matter how much you loved them, no matter how much others knew you and could see what your love was to each other.

My heart is heavy for the families and friends in France who are now living my same loss, and yet there is little space in it for more sadness. More young men destroying lives. We should spend more time teaching our boys compassion and empathy, and less time shouting about their rights to guns; just another means of death and horror.

Please tell your loved ones how you feel, make those legal decisions you’ve been putting off, talk meaningfully to your boys and men, and hopefully there will be less grief in the world.

-Devin